Ladies and gentlemen (and I use that term loosely guys) we have an emerging crisis in the Middle East. You head me a CRISIS. Our brave soldiers, Sailors, Marines, and Airmen are running dangerously low on their prefered bullet lube. Before we go any further let me explain. There is only one way to truely defeat the enemy. You must destroy not just the enemy in front of you but also the hearts and minds of those comrads they leave behind. That is why, for the entire duration of the war they have been lubing their bullets with bacon grease and dropping leaflets in arabic notifying the enemy that they would be shot with bullets that, according to their religion, would not just end their lives but seal their fate in Hell. The other reasoning behind this is to motivate our warriors. Come on, who doesn’t love the smell of bacon?

My fellow Americans, our military is dangerously low on bacon grease. That is why I am starting the first anual Military Bacon Grease drive. Here’s what I’m asking from you, cook up all the bacon you can get your hands on. 1, this will piss off Michele Obama. 2, it will taste awesome. Then keep all the bacon grease in a sealable container and ship it to the White House marked as Bullet Lube For the Troops. Our brilliant president will know just what to do with it.

Don’t let our troops down. Make sure they can destroy our enemies now and thoughout eternity. Thank you for your support.

*This message is given without the consent of any political party or any candidate thereof. It is not meant to support any candidate and is only meant to promote pure awesomeness.


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